Lost In The Darkness
by dreamBIg25
Summary: After losing Chuck, Blair falls back into old habits and it's up to her friends to pull her out of her slump and get her back on her feet. But she gets a big piece of news that is life-changing, and just may help her to hold on to what she always wanted.
1. Paradise Lost & Maybe Found

**Chapter 1 – Paradise Lost & Found…Maybe**

**(A/N): **Sadly, I do not own Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf, Chuck Bass, or any other character…yet ;)

I feel numb, there isn't anything that can make me feel anymore – aside from the one thing I try so hard not to think about but nevertheless consumes my thoughts all the time.

I couldn't gather myself enough to stand up and go into my bedroom, so I just lay down on the cold tile floor of my private bathroom. The door is locked but it's only a matter of minutes before Dorota is bound to knock on the door. Ever since the…incident, she's been even more protective than usual and never leaves my side for more than half an hour at a time; which makes it difficult for me when I need those moments of release.

Most of what I do anymore is cry…or this. I stay in the apartment these days. Serena comes by every once and a while, but she knows I need to be alone, plus she and Lily have grieving and mourning of their own to deal with back at the VDW's. Even Rufus, Erik, Dan, everyone has fallen into a deep sadness at his absence, but no one as much as me.

*knocking on door*

"I'll be out in a minute, Dorota." I said quietly, attempting to gather myself.

"B, it's me…Dorota's still out, I ran into Vanya downstairs." The voice of my best friend came through the crack under the door. Normally I would have been thrilled to hear Serena home after so long, but nothing is normal anymore, and all I want right now is to not get caught doing this, and to be alone.

"S, I really don-"

"I know you're hurting, B." Serena said, cutting Blair off. "Please just open the door, I need to talk to you, I haven't heard from you and I worry about you."

I could hear that there was something off in her voice, was it fear? Desperation? But S said she _needed_ to talk, and the waver in her voice made me realize she really meant it. I slowly got up and looked at myself in the mirror, the first time in a month. You could tell I'd been crying, that couldn't be fixed, so I straightened my clothes and opened the door to see my best friend.

I had never seen her like this before. She looked shaken, like she hadn't slept, her hair was a disaster and she was wearing and old Constance t-shirt and Pink sweatpants. Serena van der Woodsen never wore sweatpants, and especially not out of the house where someone might see her.

"Hey, S." I said quietly, barely meeting her eyes, afraid that if I did she would know what I had been up to in the bathroom.

"Oh, B." She pulled me into a huge hug, "I don't think I can hold it together anymore." She pulled back and looked at me. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the way the corners of her mouth turned down. She was taking this harder than I realized.

"What's wrong, S?" I took her hands and led her to my bed, we both needed to sit down.

"Everything. I can't handle it anymore, I think I've reached my breaking point."

"Wait, S, calm down. Now, slower, what's got you like this? I've never seen this Serena before."

"It's Chu-" she stopped and turned her head away.

"It's okay, S. You can say his name." I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.

"It's Chuck, B. I'm dying inside…I've been trying to stay strong for my mom, you know? But I can't hold it together any longer. I'm hurting too…I miss him, B."

"I understand exactly what you mean. Don't take offense to this, but why did you come to me about this…the weakest link in this circle when it comes to this?" I didn't mean to but I was getting kind of frustrated, and it was evident in my voice. "of all the people, I'm the one who's suffering the most here. I don't mean to sound selfish, but…"

"B, he was my brother! One of my best friends! You really think I shouldn't care? That I shouldn't miss him or be sad he's gone?"

"Sure, yeah I get it that you're upset he's gone, S. But have you thought about how much this is killing me?" I was near tears by now, but I wouldn't let them fall.

"Of course I have, B! I know how much you love him, how much he means to you! What happened to Chuck is terrible, and I know you miss him more than me, but think about the fact that there are other people who care too, like my mom. She was the only mother he ever had! And since he was a little boy, she's loved him as a son! And I've been best friends with him since I was like two, and then he became my brother! This hurts me too, B!"

"But you weren't there!" I finally lost my composure. It all hit me at once; my anger at Chuck for leaving me, the hurt of how he had done it, the confusion of why he felt like he did, my fear of never seeing his face again, of never shaking the pain I felt inside every day without him, the lump in my throat that could only be temporarily fixed by my cycle of binging and purging that I'd fallen back into, and the memory I would have forever of finding him in his bed, cold and still. I will always have the thoughts of what if in my head; what if I had been there that night, what if I hadn't said the things I said but didn't mean before I left. Would it have changed what happened?

"What do you mean, B?...weren't there for what?" she had forgotten her pain and was focused completely on me now.

"I was the one who found him." The tears I had been fighting so hard to hold back started to fall. "I was the one who came back to his place at the Empire that night to find him lying in his bed."

"Wait, but…I thought Nate…"

"No, it was me. Everyone just assumed it was Nate because he lives there, and because he made the 911 call, but that's only because he came home and found me, he took care of me."

"Oh, B. I had no idea! Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to be here for you."

"I didn't tell anyone. You're the only person other than Nate who knows, I made him swear he wouldn't tell."

"But why, B?" she sounded so hurt and confused.

"Because, I knew if he told anyone about how he found me, and the state I was in, they'd send me somewhere or lock me in a padded room."

"But, Blair, you've already done that to yourself. You're not going to get any better if you stay cooped up inside forever."

"Of course I can. This is New York; I can live on take-out, Dorota can run errands for me, I can shop online…"

"B, you never shop online, besides, you'll go crazy in here after a while."

"I'll be fine, S. I promise." I could tell I didn't sound reassuring at all, but I didn't feel like exerting the effort needed to successfully lie to my best friend. "Right now I just need a nap, besides, Dorota will probably be back any second."

"Okay, but I'm coming back. And I'm going to talk to Nate…"

"S, please, don-"

"There's nothing you can do to stop me, B. This is for your own good." And with that Serena got in the elevator, leaving me alone once again in the apartment. Though I was never really alone; my thoughts are always full of Chuck.

A few minutes later Dorota came home with the groceries and came upstairs to check on me.

"Miss Blair, Vanya said Miss Serena come by little while ago. He said when she leave, on phone with Mr. Nate asking about you." She had that typical Dorota face, trying to snoop by showing more concern that necessary.

"I'm not going to explain right now, Dorota." Just as I finished replying, I felt my stomach start churning and rushed to the bathroom.

Dorota followed me. When I was done I looked up at her. "Miss Blair, are you feeling not so good? Not like you to get sick. Even when tiny and had flu for week, only threw up once or twice…"

"I'm fine, Dorota. I must have just eaten something that was bad. It's fine." But inside I was freaking out. She was right, I never throw up, even when I'm sick. Besides, if I were going to throw up from having the flu or something, I'm pretty sure I would have taken care of that earlier. No, there was something else going on. I started to think back through my day; what was today? The second week of March…what had I eaten today? Nothing that would have made me sick or could have been expired…wait, the second week of March! The second week of the month…I was supposed to start my period a week ago!


	2. And Baby Makes Two?

**Chapter 2 – And Baby Makes…Two?**

_The second week of the month…I was supposed to start my period a week ago!_

Thinking back, I don't think I had one last month either but I wasn't really living or paying attention to anything last month. I had been on sleeping pills to keep me asleep through the night. But now thinking back, I definitely didn't have my period last month, and I skipped this month's…which could only mean one thing.

But I couldn't be pregnant…could I? Well, I mean we had plenty of sex…and plenty of times we definitely didn't use a condom. Could it be true? Well there was only one way to find out.

"Actually, Dorota…would you mind accompanying me to Duane Read? I need to pick up a couple of things…maybe some antacid tablets." I just hoped she didn't suspect anything.

"But Miss Blair, you not leave apartment in more than one month…now you all of sudden want to go out to drug store after get sick?" She definitely sounded suspicious.

"Yes, well, I must pick out the things myself…make sure to get the right brand of course." I made up, praying she would believe me and drop the subject.

"Okay, but Miss Blair acting strange…almost like Miss Blair before."

…..

When we got to the store I didn't even need to find a reason to ditch Dorota because she got distracted by the display of magazines near the registers. I took this as my opportunity to sneak away from her. I found the aisle where they kept the pregnancy tests and just stared at them. I couldn't believe I was even here to buy one or wrap my head around the reason I was doing so. I couldn't grasp that I may be pregnant, carrying Chuck's baby inside of me…the thought was unreal. I started a little longer until I decided on three different brands. I quickly grabbed one of each, shoved them in my basket and grabbed some Tums on my way to the register. I needed to keep up the story I'd told Dorota.

I went to the check out on the second floor so Dorota was sure not to see what I was buying and I paid quickly. When I got back downstairs, she was just finishing up paying for one of the magazines she had been looking at.

"Okay, Dorota. I'm ready to go back home."

"Yes, of course Miss Blair. I just buy celebrity magazine. Vanya not let me get subscription to come to house. I must keep at apartment with you so he do not find. He say waste of money could be spent on food or baby."

"What?" I jumped slightly. I had been zoning out as we were walking and only caught small snippets of what Dorota had been saying. I started slightly at hearing her say the word baby.

"Baby, Miss Blair. He say not buy magazine to save money for baby."

"Oh…right, of course…for the baby." I sighed in relief.

…

When we got back to the apartment Dorota immediately sat on the couch, her nose in her magazine, making it easy for me to grab a large pitcher of water and head upstairs to lock myself in my bathroom.

Once I was safely inside with the door securely locked behind me, I dumped the tests out of the bag and opened one. "Here goes nothing." I said quietly to myself.

About an hour and two pitchers of water later, I had taken all three tests and they were all staring up at me from the counter with their little plus signs.

"Well Chuck, look what you did." I said, almost laughing. My face dropping, I then added "Knocked me up, and you're not even here to joke about it."

I held my face in my hands. "What am I going to do, Chuck? Why did you leave me? It's just me and baby now…I need you here for this. I know you would want to be here for this…so why aren't you here, Baby? Why did you go?" I felt the tears start to fall, my vision became watery and blurry. "How am I going to tell everyone?"

I pulled out my phone and texted Serena.

_Hey, can you come back as soon as you're free? We need to talk…it's important.__** –B**_

_Yeah, of course…what is it B? __**–S**_

_I'll explain it all when you get here…this is something I have to do in person. Just come as soon as you can. __**–B **_

_Okay, I'll be there soon! __**–S**_


	3. Author's Note

Hey guys! Sorry, but some people have brought it to my attention that there seems to be a bit of confusion about the timeline for the story. It would be starting off during season three due to the fact that Chuck and Blair are together and he had told her he loved her by this point, but it deviates from there. This story clearly is not cannon. All of the events leading up to what is happening right now will be explained eventually (possible flashbacks to come!). Sorry if anyone was confused, and feel free to PM me with any other questions. Reviews are much appreciated! : )


	4. The Dark Night, PS I Love You

Chapter 3 – The Dark Night…P.S. I Love You

**Serena's POV**

The second I left Blair, I called Nate.

"Hey, Nate. What are you up to right now?"

"Serena! Um, nothing really…why?" He sounded surprised that I was calling.

"I just left the apartment…"

"How's she doing?" his voice dropped, calming and showing true concern for his friend.

"Not so well…she puts up a good front, but we've all known how to see through her cover for years. She's hurting, Nate…suffocating. But, we need to talk."

"Sure…what's up?" He sounded a little skeptical.

"No, not on the phone…in person. It's about some things B said. Can you meet me?"

"Um, yeah I'm just in the office catching up on some busy work."

"Okay, umm…the suite at the Empire in 20?"

"Serena, I-"

"Look, I know it's not the best place to go right now for any of us. It'll probably tear me apart, but it's somewhere private where we can talk about anything and no one would think to look for us there…" Truth be told, I was terrified even at the idea of being in Chuck's penthouse again…ever. But we did need somewhere private without the fear of being interrupted, so it was the best place I could think of.

"Um, yeah…okay. The suite, I'm on my way."

"Thanks, Nate."

"Sure, this is what best friends are for right?"

"Right." I hung up, my hand was already shaking as I walked down the sidewalk, heading in the direction of the Empire. When I got there, I stood outside the door for several minutes, just staring, trying to gather the emotional strength to open them and walk inside. Finally I reached a shaky hand out and pulled the door open, and walked inside the lobby. There was a somber mood inside, all of the staff looked as though they hadn't slept in weeks and not one had even the slightest hint of a smile on their faces. James, the concierge, recognized me.

"Miss van der Woodsen, good afternoon. I must say, I didn't expect to see you around here so soon."

"Hi, James. I didn't expect to be here so soon, but Nate and I have some private family business we need to attend to in the penthouse."

"I see, well, I will be sure to let him know you're here when he arrives."

"Thank you, James, but that won't be necessary. I just got off the phone with him so he knows that I'm here."

"Very well. You have a nice day Miss van der Woodsen."

"Thanks, James…you too."

I got in the elevator and hit the button for Chuck's private penthouse suite at the top of the Empire. When the elevator doors opened, I was frozen, paralyzed. The place looked like Chuck had never left, perfectly clean except for a pair of shoes under the coffee table like he had just kicked them off, and dirty dishes in the sink. Nate hadn't gone back inside since that night, not even to get his stuff. Monkey came running in from the bedroom, I had almost forgotten about him. His bowl was full, I guessed that the staff was taking care of him. He saw that it was me and started to whine, his tail stopped wagging.

"I miss him too buddy." I squatted down to pet him to try and calm him down. "I wish he would come back too."

As I looked around, I half expected him to walk in, making some snarky comment about me calling before I just drop in, but he wouldn't walk in…I would never see him again. My best friend, my brother, the man who loved my best friend in the world…the only man my sister would ever _truly_ love.

The elevator dinged behind me and I froze in place. My heart was telling me it would be Chuck behind the door, but my head knew that could never be true. I stood up and turned around just as the doors opened and Nate slowly, cautiously, stepped out.

"Hey, Serena." He wasn't himself, but then again neither was anyone else these days. "Wow…it's kind of eerie being back in here, isn't it?" he looked around warily. "I half expected to see him on the couch with a scotch in his hand."

"Yeah, I thought the same thing." There was a very somber, melancholy mood hanging over us, and the entire suite.

"So what did you want to talk about? You sounded really upset." He successfully shifted the topic away from Chuck to me, or Blair, thank God. I was getting to the point of near tears or breakdown.

"Yeah...I was just at the apartment. I talked to Blair. Then I argued with Blair…and then she told me the truth about exactly who found Chuck that night." I gave him what I hoped was an indignant look.

"Serena, believe me when I say I wanted to tell you. But Blair made me swear not to tell. She was convinced that if anyone found out and heard about what happened to her, they'd ship her off to Ostroff for good."

"I know, she told me. But we wouldn't do that. I wouldn't have thought she was crazy, it's a traumatizing thing. We would have understood."

"You know that, I know that, and I think deep down Blair knows that, but that night she wasn't thinking straight, hell…_I_ wasn't thinking straight, so I just made her the promise. It seemed like the best, easiest thing at the time."

"I get that, I do. But now that I know…Nate, you have to tell me what exactly happened."

_***flashback/Nate narration***_

"Well, I wasn't home that night. It was he and Blair's anniversary for something or other and I knew they would want time alone here, so I was out on some sort of date that I'm pretty sure Chuck set up if I think about it.

I was out for about an hour when I got a text from Chuck. He was upset because Blair was running late, and apparently he had a meeting earlier about the Empire and the company that didn't go so well. I guess he had had a few drinks because Blair told me that when she got there, he was already a little tipsy.

Anyway, apparently they got in some fight. All I gather from what she said is that he probably said something in typical Chuck fashion that upset her, so she ended up saying stuff that she regrets and leaving. Then after she left, he must have started drinking, the hospital autopsy report said he had taken tons of sleeping pills. At first they thought it was accidental…but that's not Chuck. He's never accidentally taken too much of anything. He knows his limits. He did this on purpose.

Hey…are you alright, S?" he paused his story. I looked up at him, he was looking at me, deep concern in his eyes. That's when I noticed I had started tearing up.

"Yeah…I'll be fine. Just keep going, I need to know what happened…for Blair's sake."

"Okay…if you're sure." He looked at me, I gave a nod of approval and he continued.

"So, they had a fight, Blair left and Chuck started drinking…heavily. Then I guess somewhere amongst all the booze, he ended up taking all of his sleeping pills…did you know he had insomnia?"

"Yeah…"was all the response I could muster, it still wouldn't sink in that Chuck had done this to himself…on purpose. This wasn't _just_ about Blair, he had to have been hurting for a long time to get to the point of something like this.

"Anyway…I came home a few hours later. Blair had come back, probably to talk to Chuck, to apologize. I came in and could tell there was someone here. I saw a faint light on in his room so I assumed they were probably having sex…until I heard Blair crying. It was so quiet from in here…but it's such a distinct sound.

I went in the bedroom and that's when I saw it, the one image I will never be able to erase from my mind.

Blair was curled up on the bed, still with her shoes and coat on. She was holding onto Chuck for dear life and sobbing so hard that her entire body shook. She didn't say anything aside from calling out his name every so often. Then I looked at Chuck…and that's when it clicked. I could tell something was wrong, he wasn't there, Chuck was gone. I slowly made my way over to her, I didn't want to surprise her too much.

'Blair.' I spoke so softly, but she jumped at the sound anyway. She looked up at me, tear-stained cheeks, fear and denial in her eyes. 'Blair…B, sweetie, what happened?' she didn't say anything, didn't speak…I don't think she could. She just went back to rocking back and forth, tucking her head into his neck, whispering his name: 'Chuck. Chuck, baby,come back…don't leave me Chuck. I love you. I need you here. Please, please don't leave Chuck.'

It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. I didn't know what to do, how to help her. I got her to calm down enough to come out here and sit on the couch, and I got her some water. Then I called 911. Everything after that was a blur.

The ambulance came, I could hear the sirens. They rushed in with a stretcher and Blair tried to stop them from taking him away. I grabbed her by the arm so she wouldn't chase after them. I just held her as she started sobbing again, and I was crying too. When they strapped him to the stretcher it hit me that he was gone, my best friend was dead. Or at least most likely. We stood there like that until they were leaving.

'Are you coming?' the rescue squad guy asked me.

'What?' I said, confused, pulling out of our bubble.

'Are you two gonna ride with 'im to the hospital?'

I hadn't even thought about that, 'oh, um yeah I guess so…come on, Blair. Get your coat, we're gonna go with them.'

She kind of just looked up at me blankly. She was still so far away, distant, but she silently turned and grabbed her coat and took my hand and we left behind the rescue squad, I avoided looking too far ahead, not wanting to see Chuck's limp body on the stretcher up ahead of us.

_***coming back to present/end flashback***_

"And then you know what happens from there…I called you from inside the elevator."

"Oh my god, Nate…I had no idea." I couldn't believe what they had gone through that night. "Why didn't either of you tell me? I wanted to be there for you, both of you, but neither of you let me…and you didn't tell me how bad it really was. You're my best friends, Nate…why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I guess I was just in shock? Maybe I was ashamed of how torn up I was…? I don't know…I think maybe I was trying to deny that it happened, like if I didn't talk about it, he wouldn't really be dead." He looked like he was about to cry. "I know it's silly, but I didn't want to admit to myself that he was really gone…"

"It's not silly." I rested my hand lightly on his shoulder, trying my best to comfort him even though we were both in so much pain. "We were all close, we went through everything together. He was you're bro, you're guy…I get it. We all lost something so special and sacred the day we lost Chuck. I lost my brother, Blair lost her fiancé, her true love, you lost your wingman, your partner in crime, we all lost our best friend." He turned and hugged me.

"I miss him." I had never heard Nate get so emotional before, especially over Chuck. He always acted so cool about their friendship, even though we all knew that they loved each other like brothers, held each other more dear to their hearts than they would ever admit in words.

"I miss him too, Nate. I miss him too." All I could do in this moment was hold him, show him that I was there for him, for anything.

There was a long pause, then he pulled away slightly and looked at me, a familiar look in his blue eyes. "I love you, Serena."


End file.
